Thursday, April 12, 2012

A Word of Advice to Mothers and Mothers-to-Be....

A word of advice...and I mean it as kind as possible.  I am in no way pointing fingers or trying to be insulting or anything.  Please read this ENTIRE post before you decide to respond, you might miss the whole point otherwise and think I am being judgmental or rude.  I am not.
I have made some of the same mistake I am about to talk about in the past....but experience has taught me much.  And I'd like to help others to not make the same, hurtful mistakes.

Pregnancy is hard. Duh.
Motherhood is hard. Also duh.

But here's the thing.  People need to stop being so negative and complaining about it in harsh ways.  I understand the need to vent...totally understand, I don't very often vent, but more often than not I really need's the key though.  Present it thoughtfully, respectfully, or with humor.  Otherwise you might be really hurting people who are already hurting.

What do I mean?  Are you thinking I'm just crazy?

Well, I have a friend who can't have children.  She would make a fabulous mother.  She is so kind, beautiful, and sweet and wants children so much, but can't have them.  It just breaks my heart.  What makes my heart ache even more is where I see on facebook or blogs people complaining about being pregnant or about their children.  Oh, that just hurts my soul.  And what about those who have or are suffering miscarriage?  Or months and months of trying for a baby? And I don't mean all of the comments about children and pregnancy...I just mean certain ones phrased without thought.

Example (and I hear this all the time.) "I am sooooo done being pregnant."  Yes, pregnancy is hard.  I think everyone knows that. But do you know what? Some ladies would LOVE to be almost done with a pregnancy and about to have a baby any second, so just be glad you are able to be pregnant and have a baby.  Why don't we try something like this instead... "I can't wait until this baby gets here!"  See what I mean?  Almost means the same thing but with a good twist.  Doesn't hurt anyone.  And instead brightens peoples day with the thought that a cute baby's birth is right around the corner.

Or those people who turn EVERY status into a "you're pregnant, aren't you?" status.  Hey, what if that person can't get pregnant or is going through a miscarriage?  Do you think that is really helpful or funny?  If you look at miscarriage statistics...most people suffer at least one.  So, let's think...before commenting and not make "you must be pregnant" jokes.  Because most often people don't go around announcing miscarriages or months and months of trying to get you might not know how it will bother or make them sad :-(

And motherhood...oh so hard...I only have one child and it's hard, so I can't imagine having more children.  Sometimes I see these status posts about people's children and it just makes me want to cry.  Those poor children...their parents keep having kids and yet apparently (from what I gather at their status updates) hate being, that makes a lot of sense. When really I think all it is is lack of thought before writing their status.  I can't think of a good example, I really don't see this as often as pregnancy related ones, but I have seen a few in the past that just make me cringe.  If someone read that who couldn't have kids, oh, I just can't imagine the pain that would cause them...knowing someone who seems to hate motherhood so much can have kids but they can't.  Or if years down the road (with the addition of Facebook Timeline and all) your child reads that negative post?  I doubt that's going to buoy them up or make them feel loved and wanted.

As I said earlier, I'm not perfect. But I think if you look at my facebook account 99% of my posts are positive and not negative--especially where motherhood or pregnancy is concerned.  I really don't ever even think to post something derogatory, but on the few occasions I was in a bad mood or tired or felt like venting I thought it out first.  My mom always says that more people will be drawn to you and like you if you lead a positive life (or a positive blog or facebook account in this case).  So my point?  I guess, be someone who spreads joy and positiveness on facebook, not someone who complains constantly and negatively about the blessings they are so lucky to have.

Ok, I'll get off my soap box now.


  1. I totally agree! I am one to vent when I've had no help with Mady for days and she may drive me crazy but i hope its not too often. I definitely see the pregnancy ones though. It took us 2 years on fertility to get pregnant this time and took us 1 year on fertility with mady. I may have some not so good pregnancy days (who doesn't) but it just reminds me that i am pregnant and i love it! :) Some peoples posts would make me hate them. If you don't want to be pregnant than don't. Later i'd feel bad for thinking it but i think there is a lesson for those hurting as well. Yes comments can be painful but we need to make ourselves stronger and not take offense by others comments. I got asked so many times when i was due when we couldn't get pregnant and i had to learn to not let it bug me. I agree with you though sandy that we should watch our comments not just in motherhood but in all negative things. Wow long sorry :)

  2. Sandy, you have posted my feelings on this subject exactly. I too, have people close to me who can't have children and would be the best parents. Okay ladies, lets face it: those nine months are completely worth the reward and so we shouldn't complain. Being a parent is hard but don't forget you signed up for the job. Enjoy every moment, whether tough or happy. Thanks for this post. I really have a peeve about people who complain about these things; especially pregnancy.

  3. Thanks for sharing Sandy. It's all so true.

  4. I really appreciate this post. I'm very much like you in that I want everyone to look at the bright and positive side of things. And let's not get me started on people having children when they aren't taking care of the ones they have (and I don't mean food/shelter) but I mean with time and love. Anyways, agree agree agreeeeee!

  5. Sandy, thanks for sharing because I have felt exactly what you are talking about. Bryan and I went through 6 months of fertility treatment, and even at my young age it took almost 2 years to conceive our pregnancy now. It was physically painful, emotionally horrific, and financially draining. We wanted kids more then anything and it was looking slim till the end and it killed us when we would see posts like "I can't stand my kids" or every other post was about morning sickness. I TOTALLY get it, I was supper sick and I even posted on my facebook twice I think. But I try to remember if I say a frustration about pregnancy to also say how blessed I am to be able to get pregnant, becasue it is a gift that many people would do anything for! Even when I am sick, and my back is out and I am litterally lying on the floor I still am thankful for what seems to be a healthy pregnancy, because I am so thankful to God for the chance to be a mom, and you are right it is personal and people are often not comfortable sharing there struggles with pregnancy especially if they have friends and family that don't understand becasue they are "One shot wonders" or what ever. Also I like how you brought up how their children would feel if they read those posts...probablly pretty crappy. But I have not had my own kids yet just foster kids so I guess I can't really talk about that

  6. Good for you and I agree- I live in the look on the good side of things; but I also try and be real at the same time. Being a mother is what I have always wanted but don't have to try and make it seem like it is always perfect either, but as you said, it can be presented in a way that is real and honest without being all complainy- so not a word I know.

  7. I use my blog to vent sometimes, but I usually try to find an answer from someone who reads my blog. :)

    I also try not to post negative FB posts, but I am sure there have been some.

    I like to read all the fun loving things people have to say, although most people like to post their yucky things on FB, and vent about other people. That's the problem with technology I guess.

  8. my entire comment before you think I'm being judgemental or rude :) I don't know how much I agree...I mean, yes I agree that positive is great, and I don't want to offend people who are struggling. However, as someone who has struggled getting pregnant and suffered a miscarriage, I'm not offended by people venting about things. GRANTED though I have gone through those things, I do have children of my own and can't speak for those that can't. I can't imagine their pain. But 99% of what people say on fb is not well planned out, and people don't think of how everything they are saying is out there for everyone to see. I've been surprised of at least 1 thing every person on my friend list has said. No one is perfect, but at the end of the day what matters is that I'm at peace with whatever vibes I've put out into the virtual world and that my children know and are secure in the fact that I love them. I guess it's freedom of speech and we are allowed to write whatever we want on our pages and blogs. Sorry....just playing Devil's advocate!

  9. COuldnt agree with you more. I read stuff like fb all the time and it pisses me off! I try not to vent too much on social media sites. Sure I vented about my kid being sick with a 106 fever on my blog and it took a negative spin, but I though that was warranted. I try to be a positive person and I think you are too, which is why your blog is one of my favorites:)

  10. Love this, Sandy! Loved seeing this on pintreset too.