Frustration

  My heart struggles on a daily basis when I am around other peoples' children.  Children are so precious, so innocent, and so beautiful -- the world is so new to them -- new ideas, discoveries and concepts are being thrown at them at such a pace that I can't even comprehend.  And while all this is going on and these sweet innocents are growing up our world is getting more and more cruel and selfish.  My heart aches for children.  Why?  Because couples selfishly want children -- sometimes without even thinking about how hard it will be and how much of themselves they will have to give -- and then once they have the children they don't give them the time, teaching, and love they deserve.   And this literally kills me inside.  I want to gather up all the children I see being mistreated and give them the love and guidance they are missing.  And maybe I'm weird. Maybe I'm weird because no aspect of being a mother surprised me. I  expected it all.  I expected the sleepless nights, the less personal time, less time with my husband, the overall involvement of caring for and teaching a child.  I'm in NO way saying it's easy--but I knew it wouldn't be.  And I expect when this next little angel arrives that I won't be surprised either.  People tell me "oh, you just wait until you have two".  Oh, I'm sorry, I think I will still parent the same, still give oodles of time and love to both children.  And I can bet you very soon after he is born we will be back to being on time when we have appointments or even play dates at other people's houses.
   Now back to parenting...
    No, I'm not a perfect parent.  I don't think anyone is. But when you parent selflessly and with love as your main drive I think you're on the right track.  And that's what I do.  When "Ralphie" needs me--I stop what I am doing 95% of the time (as long as it's reasonably possible) and go to him or I tell him just a minute, take just a minute and go to him.
   I take the time to explain things to him.  Since when is "no", or lies, or threats the best way of teaching our children?  Truth is, it's not -- there is no intelligent argument that would prove otherwise -- at least not to me...and probably not to Heavenly Father either.  In my opinion it's the lazy, selfish way out.  Your child's not eating their vegetables at dinner?  Do you scream at them?  Do you tell them if they eat them they will be prettier (or other similar, ridiculous lies)?  Do you threaten them with horrible consequences or additional lies?  Or do you take the time to explain to them why their vegetables are good?  How once they try them they might like them?  How it provides important things for their body to help them grow?  Yes, this takes time.  And yes you may have to repeat yourself...
   But seriously, why isn't this the route more parents use?  Why does lying and threatening with more lies seem to be the first instinct for parents?  It angers me, honestly.  these beautiful children deserve more -- they deserve more love, more compassion, more patience, more teaching, more understanding.
    Lying and cruel threats are never acceptable.  It's just not.  You might ask...what about when kids ask about things they aren't ready to hear the truth about?  Well, most of the time you can tell them a small part of the whole truth (with no lies added) and that's all they needed -- this is true for those scary questions like "where do babies come from" and death and etc.  I found one article with some great points I wanted to share that kind of go along with this:
   "One way to know if your child is ready to hear the truth: Try him. Introduce the information slowly, gauge the reaction, and proceed or retreat as necessary. Be as honest as you can be while making sure he feels safe, and knows how a situation might relate to his own life, and how it may not. Kids only want to know what an event or circumstance means to them." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/when-its-ok-to-lie-to-kid_b_2796415.html
    And you might ask about Santa, the Easter bunny etc...well, I'm an honest believer of the wonderfulness of believing in Santa and the magic and imagination it brings to kids.  But trying to explain that would be hard so the same article as above had a good way of phrasing it that I totally agree with and a few other good points:
   "Acceptable lies: The ones that serve to protect children from information that would hurt them; the ones that help foster imagination and belief in an age-appropriate way, like in the case of Santa; or lies that that aren't exactly lies, but some small withholding of the truth, because you fear they don't yet have the capacity to deal with or understand the facts. Keep in mind, though, that kids can be surprisingly perceptive and often understand the basic themes of a situation -- hurt, sadness, happiness -- even as they may not understand some of the complexities. Jane's eight-year-old Ned, for example, could understand that his parents were having a disagreement, but Jane knew he didn't need to know about what. Talking about it later, however, became a nice teaching moment -- everyone has disagreements. A child doesn't need to know all the details, but if they suspect there's something you're not telling them, they may tell themselves that they're the problem."
   But one more note on Santa and his pals...if we flat out asked my mom if he was real, I think she asked us, "do you really want to know?" and then when we said yes, she told us.  No matter our age.  That's another important point about the Santa stories.  If they flat out ask and you lie (even if you want them still to believe) that's probably not going to help them down the road and might even lead to their doubt in real things you've told them about like God.
    And on a slightly different but similar track...Want to hear something crazy?  "Ralphie" has never told us "no" defiantly until this past week at three.  That's right.  Believe it. I hear children at 18 months or less angrily shouting "no" at their parents.  Do you want to know why I think it took him longer than other children?  Well, I'll tell you anyway.  It's because we don't tell him no.  But let me expand on that before you assume we give him anything he wants or let him get away with murder.  When he was tiny--long before he could talk, we decided from our own upbringing, from books, and from our hearts and prayer that when "Ralphie" was doing something he shouldn't we wouldn't just tell him "no" and leave it at that.  No we started -- before he could probably even understand us -- to EXPLAIN to him about why what he was doing was bad, dangerous or what have you.  He tries to put his finger in an outlet, we didn't just say, "no", we said, "Ralphie don't put your finger in there.  It's very dangerous.  You could get hurt." (using whatever words were age appropriate).  We caught "Ralphie" coloring on the wall -- we didn't yell no, we told him, "please don't do that.  It won't come off and it will make the walls not lookyucky" or something to that effect.
   I asked my mom recently if she ever heard us tell use the word no.  She said she couldn't think of one time.    Now he says it frequently.  I think he learned it from other children, honestly.
   Another thing that hurts me when I hear or see it happening to children -- things that I consider physical or emotional abuse.  Lately I hear of this most when it come to potty training.  I won't go into specifics because I'm not trying to point fingers or anything, I honestly just needed to express my feelings and and frustrations and sort them out.  But some of the ways people "punish" or react to their child's potty training weaknesses or failures really upsets me.  Research even shows these are BAD ways to teach children to be potty trained, and yet, parents still opt for them because they are easy with faster results...but I promise you there some emotion damage is done (research proves it) and that whether or not it's subconscious, it's there.  
   I hope no one feels I am pointing figures.  I was just so saddened and frustrated lately that I had to express myself -- I just needed to express the frustrations and sadness in my heart.  I hope that it reminds people of the precious souls our children are and how much love they have and need.

A Word of Advice to Mothers and Mothers-to-Be....

A word of advice...and I mean it as kind as possible.  I am in no way pointing fingers or trying to be insulting or anything.  Please read this ENTIRE post before you decide to respond, you might miss the whole point otherwise and think I am being judgmental or rude.  I am not.
I have made some of the same mistake I am about to talk about in the past....but experience has taught me much.  And I'd like to help others to not make the same, hurtful mistakes.

Pregnancy is hard. Duh.
Motherhood is hard. Also duh.

But here's the thing.  People need to stop being so negative and complaining about it in harsh ways.  I understand the need to vent...totally understand, I don't very often vent, but more often than not I really need to...here's the key though.  Present it thoughtfully, respectfully, or with humor.  Otherwise you might be really hurting people who are already hurting.

What do I mean?  Are you thinking I'm just crazy?

Well, I have a friend who can't have children.  She would make a fabulous mother.  She is so kind, beautiful, and sweet and wants children so much, but can't have them.  It just breaks my heart.  What makes my heart ache even more is where I see on facebook or blogs people complaining about being pregnant or about their children.  Oh, that just hurts my soul.  And what about those who have or are suffering miscarriage?  Or months and months of trying for a baby? And I don't mean all of the comments about children and pregnancy...I just mean certain ones phrased without thought.

Example (and I hear this all the time.) "I am sooooo done being pregnant."  Yes, pregnancy is hard.  I think everyone knows that. But do you know what? Some ladies would LOVE to be almost done with a pregnancy and about to have a baby any second, so just be glad you are able to be pregnant and have a baby.  Why don't we try something like this instead... "I can't wait until this baby gets here!"  See what I mean?  Almost means the same thing but with a good twist.  Doesn't hurt anyone.  And instead brightens peoples day with the thought that a cute baby's birth is right around the corner.

Or those people who turn EVERY status into a "you're pregnant, aren't you?" status.  Hey, what if that person can't get pregnant or is going through a miscarriage?  Do you think that is really helpful or funny?  If you look at miscarriage statistics...most people suffer at least one.  So, let's think...before commenting and not make "you must be pregnant" jokes.  Because most often people don't go around announcing miscarriages or months and months of trying to get pregnant....so you might not know how it will bother or make them sad :-(

And motherhood...oh so hard...I only have one child and it's hard, so I can't imagine having more children.  Sometimes I see these status posts about people's children and it just makes me want to cry.  Those poor children...their parents keep having kids and yet apparently (from what I gather at their status updates) hate being parents...wow, that makes a lot of sense. When really I think all it is is lack of thought before writing their status.  I can't think of a good example, I really don't see this as often as pregnancy related ones, but I have seen a few in the past that just make me cringe.  If someone read that who couldn't have kids, oh, I just can't imagine the pain that would cause them...knowing someone who seems to hate motherhood so much can have kids but they can't.  Or if years down the road (with the addition of Facebook Timeline and all) your child reads that negative post?  I doubt that's going to buoy them up or make them feel loved and wanted.

As I said earlier, I'm not perfect. But I think if you look at my facebook account 99% of my posts are positive and not negative--especially where motherhood or pregnancy is concerned.  I really don't ever even think to post something derogatory, but on the few occasions I was in a bad mood or tired or felt like venting I thought it out first.  My mom always says that more people will be drawn to you and like you if you lead a positive life (or a positive blog or facebook account in this case).  So my point?  I guess, be someone who spreads joy and positiveness on facebook, not someone who complains constantly and negatively about the blessings they are so lucky to have.

Ok, I'll get off my soap box now.